By the B&A Stowaway (A.K.A. Gordie LaBoom)
I think I would make a great president. Now, I’m not a political person, and I’m not bashing any other opponents, I’m just saying that I would be just right for the job. And here are some reasons why.
- No sex scandals. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was in my early 20s. Like my pal Mike Oscar used to say, “I couldn’t get action in a house of ill-repute with a fistful of fifties’ (I’m summarizing and editing). And ask my wife, I still don’t really know what I’m doing in there, so it’s safe to say there will be no groping scandals. And I like cigars too much to stank em up that way. And let’s face it, I look like a stone monolith that’s seen too much lava. If a hot brunette comes forward and claims to have made out with me, give her a psych test: she’s nuts. If a hot blond comes forward, don’t worry, it’s just my wife.
- I’m a member of a minority. I’m an Acadian! See, you don’t even know what that is, do you? When those jerk-face Brits kicked all of the English/French/Irish out of Canada before the war of 1812, a lot of them went to the French-owned Louisiana area and come to be known as the Cajuns. However, quite a few didn’t feel like walking all that far, so they just went over the hill from where the English were and settled down in northern Maine, New Brunswick, and Quebec, and became known as the Acadians. My grandfather was Maxime Beaulieu; I can pronounce names like Thibault (TEE-bo), Saucier (saw-CIYAY, and Vallincourt (val-ON-coo) and I appreciate some poutine on a cold winter morning. Beat that Obama!
- I am ethnically friendly. My first friend in college was a 6’8” linebacker named Mishuan. I figured he was a good guy to have as a friend, no one wants to mess with you at that point. He appreciated me because I drove a pickup, and he could ride around in the back of it comfortably. I also dated a girl named Corisande; that’s a treat to introduce to your backwoods mother (“Ma, I’m bringing home my new girlfriend: she’s a quarter native American, a quarter Irish and… kinda half African…”). I have some rather amusing stories about my romance of a rotund Spanish Ms. Ruinova, and my Columbian/Cuban neighbors from Venezuela enjoy my company (“Mr. Morton, you are a bill-hilly. But I like your rum.”) And my wife is Finnish. I appeal to the masses!
- I come from the northern part of a state. This might seem like an odd status to some people, but that is because you come from the southern part of your state. Ask someone from Buffalo NY what they think of a New Yawkah. Ask why people from the U.P. call others from the same state ‘trolls’. I am from Aroostook County; we are proud to be almost a separate part of Maine, and legistlation has been pushed through (and turned down) to make it a separate state. In every state, you will find a part that longs to be free of the rest of the state, because one half of the state creates all of the revenue, while the other region makes all of the policy. I plan to run on a separatist platform that will emphasize the differences that occur within state lines.
- I am muli-political. Personally, I’m soft-core Republican; and I’m married to a Democrat from a Republican family. I am attending a Political science class taught by an Anarchist. How much more party-crossing can one man accomplish?!
- I’m educated. I have so much learnin’ that you ain’t goin ta learn me nuthin! I have a whole yer of Biblical Studies, an entire semester (and a 0.64 average) of Computer Information Systems, ¾ of a semester of Business Management (I would have finished the semester but I was in a band and that was WAY more important), 2 semesters of Liberal Arts, 4 semesters of Pre-Nursing, one of Pre-Radiology, 1 and ½ of a semester as a Physical Therapist Assistant, 2 more semesters of Business Information Technology, and an Associate’s degree from the Community College of the Air Force in Aviation Maintenance Technology. Forget a doctorate; I have just as many years in and in WAY more areas!
- I’m in the military. How many other presidents have had action in our nation’s defense? Quite a few! However, most of them have been officers, and then ended up being not-so-hot presidents. So go with an enlisted guy who knows how dumb officers can be. Trust me, I clean up after pilots, I can handle a nation (Write-up: Aircrew not comfortable with takeoff thrust configuration. Solution: Remove/replace aircrew)
- I will pick out a heck of a cabinet. No political favors and people I can’t trust, I’m going for a cabinet that I can trust to run things. I figure Peewee Herman is going to be my running mate. Famous TV personality, has just enough scandal to know how to lay low, and eliminates the threat of assassination, because no one will want him taking the throne if I get shot. Next, Department of State. I figure Conspiracy Carl for this one, he trusts no one, so I think he’d be great in the murky world of politics. Dept. of the Treasury? BEN FREAKIN STIEN, who else?! I never coulda won his money back in the day, that guy knows how to hold onto some purse strings. Dept. of Agriculture? Tommy Chong. Dept of Defense? Snuffy, Mike Oscar’s dad. The only people more worried than our military would be whoever has to face them, that’s for darn sure. And after a steady diet of beans, illegal moose-meat, and his infamous Chop Suey, we wouldn’t have to spend money on biological warfare, we’d be brewin our own. Dept. of Justice would be Christopherson Salt Chuthers. I’ve been on the receiving end of the gavel with him many times, so I think he would fully appreciate what it’s like to be instant karma Remember, what goes around comes around: endeavor to be what’s coming around for someone else! Dept. of the Interior would have to be Red from the 70’s show. I dunno what that position entails, but he is smart, clear-headed, and he killed Robo-cop, so I figure he can handle himself. Dept. of Labor would be my dad: as a full time pastor, full time mill-worker, and an overtime friend, a lot of people could stand to learn a lot about work from him. The only downside is that he would change the underage worker thing, so 10 year olds would be pushing mowers. Dept. of Transportation would be Mike Oscar, who has driven more vehicles and cobbled together more running wrecks than I can count. That man had a pathfinder that started life out as two separate pathfinders, and it ran like a charm; this is a guy who can solve some transportation issues! And last but not least is Glen Quagmire as Dept. of Homeland Security. We’ll tell him the terrorists are after his women, and for everyone he stops, he gets their 70 virgins.
I’m not saying that you should vote for me, but I am saying that I will accepting donations to run. Just saying.